How About Poetry???

[egonSchiele]

And
And I desperately needed someone
Someone like me
Someone who could be
With me
Who could lead me

Wasn’t it cruel
To want someone this much
To keep them ideal to a point
Of being afraid of them?

And I desperately needed kind attention
Calm respectful predictability
To know I wouldn’t be seen wrong and ugly
Wouldn’t be dismissed or discarded
Expected to be like I could never be
By someone who I saw was
So similar to me

Isn’t it scary to see someone’s eyes
In your own reflection?

Two souls connected
Or
Two souls dreaming of being connected

What was real?

And I always felt wrong both in feeling and in denying myself
Accepting my own love
I never wanted to love out of despair
But in how things were I could only feel
Desperate

Wasn’t it cruel to want someone
To be your guide and be to you
All the things you maybe want because you missed
Having them in your family?

All my life I’m
Scared of being cruel
That my needs and wants can be
Cruel and I know they
Can

So I ask and doubt

Wasn’t it cruel
To want someone this much
To keep them ideal to a point
Of being afraid to get to know them?

Wasn’t it cruel
To speak of things in ways
I’d never spoken if I weren’t
Desperate?

But how things were left me
Reliving the same despair
Over and over
The same feeling
The same shame
I feel ashamed for
Speaking
Wanting
Trying

And I desperately needed someone
Someone like me
Someone who could be
Who could lead me

Someone stable
Someone from the same world
If I truly wasn’t a part of this one

Wasn’t it cruel
To need someone this much
To keep them ideal to a point
Of being afraid to get close to them?

Wasn’t it cruel
To speak blindly
To believe every feeling is truly
About them
To look in them for the comfort
And never think they could live in hell?

Or think and run away from the thought
You’re a monster that makes good hearts sob

Or was it too much pain
To see anything beyond myself?

Two souls connected
Or
Two souls dreaming of being connected

What was real?

Sometimes I’m afraid that
Only dreams and cruelty
Of wanting them to be real
As in a dream
Were real


Fragile
A vertigo of sound
And if not caught by a friend
This story would have repeated itself
Again

Why did you make me fragile,
God?

And yet all is fine
And yet it is dangerous

And it’s not as scary
To lose everything
As this moment before
When you feel it’s going
To happen

And this vertigo of sound
I was hearing music
And shuffling steps of people
Many people
And they talked

Why did you make me fragile,
Lord?

I’m tired
I’m tired of being scared of this
Happening

I want to
Be strong and capable
Unafraid of the things that scare me

Or maybe
I want it because I’m afraid 
That my fragility is another reason
Why I shouldn’t be
Shouldn’t hope for
Shouldn’t expect
Anything else than
Being treated
As if I’m not fragile
Who do you think you are?
You must be pretending
Because of course, it’s a lie
And these glass shards live only
In my imagination

But I have a witness
And the broken glass is real


Childish
We speak of being childish
As of a good thing
As if grown up people
Should stay kids

And it’s nice when people are
Childishly open
Happy and easy
Curious
Until it creeps into the important things
Because they aren’t seen like this
By a child

All that’s truly important is
How the child feels
The joys and the thrill
And nothing bad can happen
And nothing bad will

And if it happens
Someone else’s guilty in that
Someone else
Has to be the adult
Someone else
Needs to fix it
Needs to be there

And we speak of being childish
As of a good thing
As if grown up people
Should stay kids

As if the world is really
A playground
And you can be praised for
Playing here

But the world is a place
Where nothing is stable
And people die
And things break

And only adults can make
Things last
And be truly content

I want to grow up
It's the only way to stop suffering

[egonSchiele]

***
I want to
Depict flowers
All the dreamy softness
Of lights and shadows
All the kindness
And tenderness
And simple joys

People can be so wonderful

I want to
Put together pathways
Of musical notes
Soothing and calm
Or helping the one walking alone
Along a similar darkness
A similar storm
Or worse
To help them overcome
The panic

There's so much to be done

I want to
Spread joy
And laughter
To make dreamscape worlds
Of easy sunshine
Or ambient comfort

To change the world into a kinder
More listening place

Mostly we are good kind people
But sometimes we are sick or hurt

I want to
Depict flowers
All the dreamy softness
Of lights and shadows
All the kindness
And tenderness
And simple joys

[egonSchiele]

***
Everything has its cause and effect
But you can ignore wanting to know it

Everything has its cause and effect
But you may want to hide in the dreams
Away from it

Everything is a mirror because everything is mirrored
Never identical and you need a light to see it
Bravery to see it
But
Everything is a mirror because everyone is mirrored
And mirrors everyone and everything else

We become whom we see

We reflect each other and we are reflected
We reflect each moment of time and are echoed
In its colorful splendor that is taken into
Darkness right the moment you spot it

And you can recall only its reflection

We look for mirrors
To mirror ourselves so we learn
What is real
But you can teach yourself not to see
Not to believe

You can choose to live in the dreamworld
To expect the world to mirror it

You can even break the mirrors
In order not to see

But
Everything has its cause and effect
You can only ignore wanting to know it

[egonSchiele]

***
Isn't it arrogance that comes
From those who claim to be humble
When they say they disregard
Those trying to save us
Through the power of the mind?

Who want to believe that the world is safe and perfect
And everything else must be a lie

Who choose to believe that all the bad comes
From the man
That the world in itself is just and beautiful
Only ignorance can make you think so
Ignorance and deliberate blindness
And I wish I could stay calm
But I know
People died and will die if someone
Wouldn't continue learning

It is arrogant to believe the world exists
For humans alone
It has never been made perfect
It is childish to believe so

Because if all bad comes from the man
So does all the good
Because the real world is neither good nor bad
But it holds the truth
And we only project ourselves
And we only assume and deduce

Or believe that the world is safe and perfect
That things just take their course
And everything can be willed into life
By someone -- as if reality isn't bigger
Than any single human mind

Isn't it arrogance that comes
From those who claim to be humble
When they say they disregard
Those trying to save us
Through the power of the mind
Who say that the art of science is maybe not a lie
But of course, is nothing compared to the Will of God

And I always want to ask
Why don't they see the goodness of the Lord
In the art and craft made
To alleviate the pains of humankind?

[egonSchiele]

C27

These are the seas of high ambition
Of the mental distress
Of the running up to get high on
Sex
Drugs
Power
Adoration

These are the seas of internal confusion
Damnation?
Carnal sin?
Running up the hill to get lost in here
With others outside so that not to stay within
Daydream
Don’t hold still
You can let off the steam
These drugs look welcome
Come on
Come on in

These are the words I recall in my sleepless routine
Of my hometown’s rock star who found obscene
His own companions but stayed in
And your pedestal can become your own poisoned creme
de la creme
A carousal and binging and going full
Libertine

Falling
Falling and collapsing in
On the emptiness within
I recall mirroring
His scream

Come, come on in

These are the seas of high ambition
Of the road to the forest I denied myself
Walking in
Until
I grow up stable
And if never then never
Rather sober and clean
Rather living the mundane
Rather leaving the scene
Don’t lie to me it’s roses here
I tasted the metal
I’ve seen the unseen

Can you really tame this weather?

These are the seas of high ambition
Steer your way
Stay vigilant, keep learning, don’t
Onboard those who want to play with the wind
Remember
The sea salt is mere salt
The weather is only weather
The rock is only a rock

You can hardly predict a thing

Steady yourself by watching the horizon
Always check the horizon
Always keep your vessel in check
Until you’re on the safe land
Don’t believe them
Don’t believe those who promise a quick fix
Don’t believe them
Don’t believe those who seem
So loving not knowing
Anything
Don’t believe them
They’re also sailing here

They could think it’s a race

These are the seas of high ambition
Of the mental distress
Of the fame and cheer
Of the big win
Of the poisoned fruition
Of the contrition
And the vows to be never fulfilled

These are the seas of high ambition
Treacherous even when all seems calm here
These are the seas of high ambition
A war without any frontier
Some can steer their vessel
Some make it all clear
Some can steer their vessel
All should learn to steer

[egonSchiele]

Dedicated to Mr. President

***
And they said
When children are hurt, they get scared

They might be afraid
And so they fear others
It may be this way
That they want to hurt others
They play with people like toys
They use people in ploys
Dominate, lie and scheme
They bend reality to fit their whim
And the word of God
All the mercy of Him

And they said
When children are hurt, they get scared
And if they're tender, they even may break
And if they're not healed, they may crave
Destruction of others
They may be ashamed
But they will continue their games

And they said
When children are hurt, they get scared

But souls can't be tamed
The hunger goes deeper
The terror remains
They scream in their ways
They rage when discovered

They lie and they scheme and betray

And they said
When children are hurt, they get scared

But each one can learn to be brave

[egonSchiele]

Bleeding psyches

So they're tearing each other apart
In the passionate blend
Of their bleeding psyches
Covered in the sticky blood
Sticky like mud
They hurt to feel less hurt
Accepted in the end
The brief moment
Sweet oblivion

Then you will hate yourself
Maybe it'll look like you hate
The other

But it's your self-hate

And if you don't want to see
The others will pay
Everyone pays for the sins they made
By losing something
By losing themselves

So they're tearing each other apart
In the passionate blend
Of their bleeding psyches
Covered in the sticky blood
Sticky like mud
Their mind will be wired
To come here again
To drink up this fate
And you can run
But you can't forget

[egonSchiele]

***
Who are you?

You are who you are
But who that person is?

What do you like
What do you hate
And why do you feel it?

How do you feel
What do you feel
What is your dream
What are you seeing
How do you seem
How do you want to seem?

How can it all be one
Come undone
If it's not who you want to be
There's no play with your role fixed
There's no hurt more than a life unlived
Nothing numbs more than a lie-filled
Fear-based
Living

There's no shame
In admitting it

There's no shame
In admitting it!

Who are you?
How do you want to live
Who do you want to be

Who do you want to be...

***
How the flower petal moves
Dancing in the silhoutte
Soon to be gone
Resplendent in the moment
The saving grace
The lighted up air of
Pure elegance

You become what you see
You long to what you hold within

Who do you want to be?

You have a choice
Whom you want to be
How you want to live

What do you truly value?
What do you want to see?

The stars are moving
There's no fixed destiny
Except the one
No one would choose
Willingly

[egonSchiele]

B line

This could not have happened
Could not have been done
By someone like that
You know their true light

He could not have said that
He loves her too much
It must be a slander

Spring up, be a defender
Protect the idealized
View

Forget he might lose his sight
Lose his mind
Don't let him learn to fight
For himself and a better life
That he seems to remember
Glimpsing inside

Without the fear
Without the anger
That's boiling in him

Forget and remember
Keep silent and scream

This could not have happened
It must be a slander
He's not lost within
 
You simply don't get him

I love him

I've seen
I also can be there
I went there for him

I had this instilled
I know how it feels
I have all these parts
Reflected in me

This place is unreal
No time and no clear
Border or boundary
The line is a dot
The mythic sweet spot
The world of the legendary

I've seen where I've been
And I've seen what's not real
But it felt not imaginary

The darkness he doesn't
Acknowledge within
I don't want another
I want him to heal
Himself to be happy
Himself to feel real

[egonSchiele]

***
Pieces of people
Partial seeing
The soup of human parts
The things we learn to discard
When we grow up
We learn to focus on the entire
Person
The outside and the inside
We can see them as one
Not the hands of the father
Floating up in the enormous outer space
Not the breasts of the mother
Feeding and soothing everything that hurts

Pieces of people
Partial seeing
The psychotic energy
Streaming
From within the broken hearts and minds
Onto the world that's neither wrong nor right
It's just a feeling

Pieces of people
Piercing screaming
All the things bleeding and hurting inside
I feel like I'm losing my mind
When this is coming
Right through me
A needle with sharp thorns
No comfort
No kind clear word
Everything is sheer pure glimmer
Of my tears encircling this entire hurting world

And I wish I could change it
And I wish I had never seen this all in me
And I have to go on walking
On the path I have never chosen
It was chosen for me
Not by malice
But by a fearful refusal to see
Reality

[egonSchiele]

***
I step into the darkness
God help me
I immerse into the darkness
God help me

There's a crying child there
God help me
I must give him my hand
God help me
He wouldn't understand me
God help me
But I can help him
Maybe I can warm this crying heart

I step into the darkness
God help me
It is neither mine nor I can undermine
Its importance
I step into the darkness
I am a mere sacrifice
There's someone lurking there
He wants to kill me

He trusts no one

So I am a sacrifice
God help me
As I was brought up to be
I am a sacrifice
For someone like him
I was brought up to be
A sacrifice
And he knows it
And he raises his sword

I step into the darkness
God help me
I immerse into the darkness
God help me

The sword is raised
Above my neck
God help me

I freeze the time

There was this child
There is this child

So come to me
My time stands still
Life's slowly passing by

[egonSchiele]

***
Everything, everything, I will give everything for you

Why should I change anything in myself?

I will hold you
You will learn what is pure trust
I love you

Why should I change my plans
For you?

I listen, I hear you

Why do you expect me to change
What I do?
Why do you react
In the way you do?

I'm with you
I'm there for you

I would never tell you what I know you want to hear
I will do the things
That I know break you


Inopia

[egonSchiele]

***
Everything, everything, I will give everything for you

Why should I change anything in myself?

I will hold you
You will learn what is pure trust
I love you

Why should I change my plans
For you?

I listen, I hear you

Why do you expect me to change
What I do?
Why do you react
In the way you do?

I'm with you
I'm there for you

I would never tell you what I know you want to hear
I will do the things
That I know break you


Inopia

But it is not my inner dialogue. I neither question nor respond here. I make no statement.
It is only a reflection. A reflection by a distorting mirror. And if that mirror could speak, it would've said this one word -- Inopia.

[egonSchiele]

***
Little traumatized
Boys and girls
Trapped in adult bodies

Crying for help

Unable to regulate
Their own emotions
Unable to calm down
And stay present
In the heightened moment
Fleeing their own bodies

Into the dreamworld

Little boys and girls
Living in the make-believe
Where they're kings and queens
Projecting their needs
Onto another
Men looking for their mother
In the arms of their bride
Failing to discover
How frightened she must feel inside
Failing to uncover
How angry they become
When she fails to give them the comfort
They're longing to on their hurting inside

She is failing to provide
What she cannot

How they test her
Like the sinners test the Church
Not like Christ loves Her

How they follow each their whim
Trust their feelings
More than the helpless crying
Of those that they see as obscene
And lying
How they act on a spur and trust their
Feelings
More than reality
How they feel abandoned and that the world must be
Denying them
They don't see
How they deny themselves seeing
Their responsibility
Of reigning in their feelings
Because they could be wrong

Who do you want to become?

Little boys and girls
But to the boys, the world is more forgiving
Boys will be boys
Girls should be silent
Until they can no more
So they go on destroying
Everything they own
If not my man, can anyone
Love me?

Some children are born
To love their mommy

Sometimes all their lives they
Search for their mom

Or their daddy

Our bodies grow
But we seek to learn
What was wrong
Why do we feel so forlorn?
Aren't we born
For loving?

But what does it mean
To love?

We think we know

It's just a feeling

I either feel
Or don't

I will act on
How I feel
How you make me feel

I believe it is you who makes me feel
So

Little traumatized
Boys and girls
Trapped in adult bodies

Crying for help

Unable to regulate
Their own emotions
Unable to calm down
And stay present
In the heightened moment
Fleeing their own bodies

Into the dreamworld

[egonSchiele]

B
Break me
As I was broken
And it was called love
Break me
So we can get close

Break me
Hurt me
As I know this pain
Sweet self-destruction
The agony of turning my heart
Into black
Scorched by the fire
Of self-hate

Hate me
As she hated me
To give me love

Break me
So I can give up
Trying to live my life

I close my eyes
I see their shapes in this darkness
So many voices wail in one
Hail of painful cries

Everything storms through me
The words that they say
The dark bloody imagery

I resonate in the parts that hurt
Not all of my wounds are cleansed
Not everything is healed
Not everything ever will be

Not in this society
Not in this world

I used to think it was me who was
Too young or too old
Too unhealthy or just too scared
But maybe
I was rightly afraid
But maybe
I was rightly afraid
Of this darkness

And the truth is
I don’t want to be broken
I want to heal

And the truth is
You can't be close to
Someone who's torturing you
These are your mutual pains dancing
Such intimacy
Isn't real