Author Topic: Can you have real friends without being in the same country?  (Read 3458 times)

Keineangst Offline ec

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Hello! :)
I know this question might sound pretty dull, but I would really like your opinions about it. The very few times I've travelled I've noticed that it's easier for me to make friends anywhere but in my country. The thing is that when I come back I use facebook or e-mail to contact my friends, and I've kept in touch with some of them, but I've heard many people say that these sort of relationships don't stand a chance. I mean, I really love some of my friends who are not with me in this country, and I go out very rarely with the very very few friends I have here.... so... if long distance friendships don't work, for me it means that most my friends aren't really my friends (even when they're so very important to me)
Plus, in this forum I feel I connect so much more with people than I do  with people from this place I live in. I'd really like to make friends here, but if it's not really meaningful, I'd rather not bother people.

I don't know.... what do you guys think? do you have meaningful long distance friendships? do you care about friends who live in a different country?

PS: I really love Lacrimosa, and even when I know they're not really friends of mine, I feel they're very important to me... I really really do care about them... is it just me who's not in sync with the world?
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NuWoLa Offline mx

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2013, 07:17:23 »
Believe me, you can! In my personal opinion, it's easier for me to make friends on the internet or forums, I have many friends that I knew a long time ago and we're really close even when we have never met. in my country I have two friends hahaha and that's all, I can't socialize, I don't feel empathy for the people around me, maybe it's me but that's the way I feel. And I can tell another experience, now with the tour, I travelled to Mexico City by myself and met there with the guys from this forum, and to be honest I was a bit worried about how would I feel when I meet them, I was wondering what if they don't like me or I don't like them.. But when I finally met them, I felt like if we were friends for years and I can say I feel affection for them and I care about them and I just have seen them once in life xD
About your love for the band, again, believe me, you're not the only one, I feel so much love and respect for them and it's kind of funny because when I think of them or talk about them, I do it like if they are my close friends xD I guess we all feel the same way, so you don't have nothing to worry about  ;)
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Kitty Offline be

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2013, 09:54:36 »
I think (and have proof) that long-distance friendships really have a chance to last... I have several friends who live outside Belgium not just from this forum but also from exchange studies and people I met here but don't really live here... It's just depending on how you are I think. For some people out of sight is out of heart, but if you can put yourself above this, I think deep friendships get into existence when you have them outside your own country. What is very important for me though is that I have face to face contact with them nonetheless... or chat or sms's ... so that you make the distance less big. I don't need someone to run over my door to know that they love me, I don't need to hear someone every day to know that we have something valuable ... I lost friends because I reason this way, I know, but that's how I am... and if they do run my door, hang on my phone every day I'm happy of course! But people have their own life, in the speed with which we live these days it's just not always possible to have regular contact, not even with friends who live in the same country, let alone when they're abroad...for me it was different, more easy to have regular contact with such friends when I studied, now I have less time due to work but I can say, that the friendships are still there ;) I think you get trained in trust, when you have friends abroad and in patience as much contact runs over mail. You just should figure out for yourself if you want this, because it brings a lot of yearning and missing along as well due to the fact you can't just visit the other when you feel the need for it. I remember my mother was very sceptic when I started making friends here... she was like "how naive are you actually?" ... but meanwhile she saw some of these friends several times already and even calls them my friends herself :) it's a matter of perceptions I think, stepping aside what you're used to... interesting it becomes when two worlds collide, like it did when Melissa was here and we did some things together with my friends here in Belgium :) they're really intersted in "how did you meet?" "how is it POSSIBLE to have such a steady friendship going when you're not around each other all time?" ... it's just a matter of knowing you have each other I think despite the distance. Anyway, that's my vision on it :) I don't know how other people see it.
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Asphodel Offline ru

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2013, 10:15:04 »
I actually think that yes, it is possible. This forum brought a lot of proofs for it ;)
Of course not all the connections will grow into real big friendship... I think that the thing that is needed for it is maintaining contact on a regular basis. Write letters or chat often, and then it has all the chances to last. Why not? I have more friends from other countries or cities than from my own place too.
On the other hand, years ago i had a pen-friend with whom we were really close, but then the friendship kinda withered simply because we stopped writing each other (we didn't argue, just maybe some life-changes occurred and we were writing letters less and less...) So the main thing is not to lose contact.
And I know in the internet it is really possible to have some close friends because here you are not judged by appearance or social status when people first meet you...

LadyMalina Offline es

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2013, 10:33:58 »
Of course I think it is possible.

For the word "friend", lately in time I am sooo careful with who I can call a "friend" or who I can just consider a known person whom I go out with sometimes, or whom I share some moments of leisure with. I also have had several and so tough bad experiences with friends I considered as siblings but then the friendship turned to be invisible or an illusion. Ironically, these friendships that have disappointed me were people that live in the same city as I do (well, did, now I dont live in my hometown anymore), when so many people insist on telling that for building a real and strong friendship one needs to know the person face-to-face and meet him/her regularly.

Personally, I think the walls of distance can be destroyed if one wants and if the friendship is really worthy for both sides. It is difficult though, because of course when your friend does not live in the same city/country you do, you dont have this person in your, let's say "real life". Telephone, SMSs, mail cant replace the real contact and the sensation of "including" the person in your daily life. That's the reason why i think one has to take muuuch and very good care to make this SMSs, calls, mails and so on,so strong, so valuable and make them part of your day, as your lessons in Uni, your work or meetings with other people. If you dont fight for including the person/people in your life, (in real life and thorugh the distance), the relation might end or get distanced and cold. Dont know, I am not doing any kind of statement, just my experience talks.

I have such strong friendships through the Internet, (I am not so sociable either, it is difficult for me to get close to new people in the places I live, furthermore, finding people with the same interests as me is way more difficult, and here in the forum I have found people with similar interests/opinions), not only because I met them in the forum, but also friends I met somewhere else and I still am in contact with them.

For real life, I have just few friends I can call really friends. My best friend lives in my hometown (now our relation is through Internet but we talk daily :)) and also 3 or 4 friends from school and Uni. These are the only I can can truly friends, The rest, well, for some of them, sometimes I really feel they are friends but sometimes I think: hey, be careful, they are NOT!

In conclusion, yes, I think that having friends does not depend on the place they/you live but on your attitude towards friendship and how willing you are to fight for this friendship, to keep the contact with these people, to care about them (and they about you). What else could I say? Even my boyfriend is from a different country :D (I met him in the forum, he is German). Now he is living with me for some months, and I feel our relation closest than ever, but when we are distanced again, we will fight against the distance and will care about the relation until we can be together finally (yes, I know, love relations might not be the same as friendships)

Finally, for Lacrimosa, well, I think so many people share your opinion here ;).
Usually some people think I am crazy for having such strong feelings for a person I have met, like , 3 or 4 times in my life, and how I cant care about people that live in the same city as me. I ask them then, why? Should my feelings be connected just by how far or how many times I have met this people? I dont give a care in the world to some people I meet everyday in University and with whom I just share the table of the classroom or some exercises in team-work and I think is normal. On the contrary, I care much about Tilo, as you say, and I cant say we are friends, it is a fact we are not ;), but it is true that I feel so beautiful feelings of love, respect, admiration towards him. If some people consider me nuts for this and also for dedicating time and efforts to support the band or to visit concerts, is my thing :)
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NuWoLa Offline mx

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2013, 10:58:27 »
But then the friendship turned to be invisible or an illusion. .

Ah! That hurts, mainly because it's true  :-\ people around, sometimes really break your heart.

Usually some people think I am crazy for having such strong feelings for a person I have met, like , 3 or 4 times in my life, and how I cant care about people that live in the same city as me. I ask them then, why? On the contrary, I care much about Tilo, as you say, and I cant say we are friends, it is a fact we are not ;), but it is true that I feel so beautiful feelings of love, respect, admiration towards him. If some people consider me nuts for this and also for dedicating time and efforts to support the band or to visit concerts, is my thing :)

Totally agree with you!, although I feel they're my friends sometimes xD and actually, to be honest, I knew about Lacrimosa and Tilo/Anne way too much time before I met all my so called 'friends', that must mean something hehe
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 11:02:37 by NuWoLa »
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Tänzerin der Dunkelheit Offline de

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2013, 11:58:12 »
Well I consider this forum the wrong place to get negative answers to your question...  :P

In the moment I have no people around me, which I would call friends. There are some people from university, but about most I don't care and with the only one I care about, I don't share much time, neither in uni nor in leisure. I have few people with which I have lived for several years very close together (was in boarding school and so we were like neighbours), but now, after the change from school to university, they live all over Germany. But we chat almost each day and when I visited them a month ago it felt like we saw each other everyday!
And there are also other people which I got to know via internet and we are also so close that it is like a "real" friendship. It is easier, for me to get in contact with people via internet. Firstly because there is more distance and you can feel more free, secondly because I need time just with one human, to feel more free to talk (not with a whole group around) and thirdly because in internet there are several spaces, where you only find poeple with similar interests (like this forum or a group only for gothic people) and so it is easier to find the ones which fit with you.

But in general I call people my "friends", when I feel very, very much connected to them in my heart. Therefor it is not necessary to be in contact every day/week, but to have the awareness, that he/she thinks of you and you do of him/her. And I call people my friends when I can be plain with them. When I don't need to hide a part of myself/my thoughts from them.
So maybe I have so called "friends" which would not consider theirselves as my friends... but they are in my heart and mind.

One has to be aware of the fact, that long-distance-frinedships are sometimes very hard, when you don't have much time in a stressful period of time or when you have the strong need of a hug but one can give it only via words... And as Kitty said, yes, you need a lot of trust in the others. 

Another thing, as Christina already said, is love: I got to know my boyfriend via internet, but we are just so close although we life in a long-distance-relationship, in the south and in the north of Germany... never thought it would be possible to find love and the one which really fits with you in the huge world of internet!

About Lacrimosa I mainly agree with Christina and don't want to say too much, as most things are already said. I don't consider them as real close friends, because I know it is a mainly one-sided relation. I would call this kind of connection a kind of love. ...hm, don't know how to describe it in better English...  ???
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LUSha Offline cn

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« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2013, 14:17:55 »
Hi Keineangst,

interesting topic, I think it only depends on people, there are two types of them, low movers and high movers,
first one who is satisfied staying within the small limit where one is born and grow up.
The second one who always want to move and see more and travel further away from his hometown.

I think "pyschological" low movers and high movers also exist. For example, like some of my friends in my hometown.. for them travelling further than province boarderline is already too far. Also when lots of people in China, talking about partners, they insist that you have to find someone from the same province...
I consider them as low movers

So you see, if you ask for opinions from this kind of people, if long distance friendship exist, you naturally get answers like that "it is impossible", if you ask from high movers, they tell you otherwise, it's normal, so you only need to find out which type you are

For me not only long distance friendship, also long distance relationship works out, I believe in spiritual power more than material existence, a kindred spirit, similar tastes and share of passionate love, which come much stronger than physical distance...or any outside conditions, that's for me most important, therefore i find similar people like me

I knew some people from this forum much better than from my own country, and personally have very close feeling to some friend in Russia and Germany, who i already met, and of course in Koeln last year meeting with "Lacriwelt crew", they give me so much energy, before that we've knew each other for years on this forum. Therefore "being in the sam country" is not a precondition to befriend with someone, it's the same soul we search in each other, it is really a matter of individuel...
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 14:21:16 by LUSha »
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MelissaFrance Offline fr

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« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2013, 15:35:33 »
Hello Keineangst, firstly, welcome here, and secondly, good choice of topic, even if, like Christina Tanzerin, i also believe that you won't have a great diversity of opinions on this topic here ;D i believe that if we all chose to register here on this forum it's because we already believed a little in long-distance bonds, isn't it? :) and were interested in meeting people from very different backgrounds than us... So, might explain why we all have the same mind on this ^^
So, i won't be any original, i will tell you that i also believe in it, quite strongly. As others have said i think, my opinion is that long-distance friendship enables you to develop a different kind of friendship, when contact doesn't need to be as frequent or not always about everyday life, even though to make it work you still must remain within boundaries, otherwise, the friendship withers, as Yulia (Asphodel) said. I also experienced a many-years-long penfriendship that in the end stopped because of life changes that i didn't tell about to my friend from the beginning and it grew us apart i guess. So it's all about measuring how much you need to keep in touch, but this kind of friendship makes you experiment that in the end it's not always that often :) but it is one of the most beautiful friendships, in my opinion, because you are able to reach a really strong trust, when you know even if you don't talk all the time, you are still caring for each other and you'll still be there for each other at a blink's notice if need be, by email, sms or chat of course.
Then, there's the different topic of long distance love-relationship. I also believe in it because of being in such a relationship myself for 3 years now, with someone met on this forum too (Zeake Asakura), but i think it's very different, because love is a much more physical matter, and you need the other's physical presence much more. Therefore, i think it's possible, but dangerous to make it last longer than needed, meaning you should focus on finding a way to be reunited, because it's not the best way to be with someone for sure. It's ok, but it also hurts too much when you're apart for too long and it's never good to make yourself (and the person you love!!) hurt when you could avoid it. That's what i've been working towards ever since i started this relationship, really, it's been my aim to change the kind of relationship that we have (long-distance) into something more conventional (living with each other). (And we're finally gonna succeed within a few months, now!!! :) ) So i think it's possible, but definitely not the optimum kind of romantic relationship...
That's all according to experience, of course, and i think Lu Sha's explanation of how differently people think of distance is indeed very good, it all depends on your feelings about distance, how you deal with it...
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Keineangst Offline ec

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2013, 17:20:17 »
Thank you so very much for your replies guys!!! :) :) :)

I know that most people who come here do believe in this distanced touch, or distanced friendships or even distanced love (*heart*) and that's precisely why I wanted to get opinions from you guys, because I think you have way more experience in this subject than the people I've spoken to lately, and you could tell me with a lot more arguments whether this kind of friendships actually work. I completely agree with the fact that it requires a lot of trust and persistance to maintain a long distance relationship, but I wasn't sure it was "normal" for me to get attached to people I cannot meet on a regular basis (I know normal doesn't really exist, but sometimes I do need a guide on how a human being is supposed to be like, given that I am such an outcast)...

Anyway... thank you for putting my heart at ease. I will from now on continue to nurture my long distance friendships and I'll be more confident to open up my heart to them.

PS: WOW!! You guys are really smart! I mean, the argumentation is so intellectually directed! Wow! :) :) I am so happy I am here :) :)... THANKS :)
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JaimeWolff Offline mx

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2013, 22:42:57 »
PS: WOW!! You guys are really smart! I mean, the argumentation is so intellectually directed! Wow! :) :) I am so happy I am here :) :)... THANKS :)

Of course we are ;) just think about what is The reason for is to be here in The forum... I think here, behind a monitor we can felt in a friendship based upon our thoughts, feelings and ideas... Maybe a deeper friendship !!!
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Fannie Offline mx

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2013, 00:14:01 »
Hello Keineangst!! ;D and welcome to the forum!
About your topic, I'm agree with all I think it's possible to find real friends out of your country and this friendship could last so much time, of course you have to take care of it as all kind of frienships  ;) so I can tell you I have found many friends here in the forum and in other internet places and they often know more facts about me than the friends I have in my city ::)  And is beautiful to know that you have friends all around the world sharing the same love for the same things (Lacrimosa, in this case)  ;D

pichirova Offline mx

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« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2013, 05:20:53 »
Hi Keineangst! Wellcome :)

I think that you don't really need to be physicaly close to A friend, sometimes you can find the support, the understanding and the love from a friend even if you are a thousand miles away, or if you haven't ever met...i think you can feel the love from another person through what they write to you... and -for me- that's what matters in friendship :D
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Keineangst Offline ec

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Antw:Can you have real friends without being in the same country?
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2013, 04:14:35 »
Yes! Today I shared and spectacular conversation with a long distance friend. I kept thinking about the things you guys said and felt no fear while opening up to him... I must say... I am utterly happy I asked this question here! :)
Yeah... you are completely right pichirova... I felt loved today! :)
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