thanks for your words, Lu Sha! It is indeed an eternal battle for balance between protecting myself and being human... Sometimes I have the feeling of standing under non-stop pressure as if everything and everyone is demanding attention from you and at a specific moment you just feel you're at the boundary of what you as human are capable of doing/taking in/understanding/compromising. One of my collegues told me as well I need to learn to be a badass in order to gain respect... but a badass in a respectful way, stand my ground in a respectful friendly way... and I keep on wondering: HOW as a Christen can I possibly combine Badass and respectful/friendly way in one sentence??? It seems so impossible and I seem to stand
Me too like you I can't associate badass with respect, i know that in business you got to be one like that, and i can be one if necessary, I can push people, kick their ass get them to do something, I can confront and being aggressive, I just don't enjoy it. And also because i don't like dictatorship, and hoping everyone takes care of themselves, without being dictacted of what to do--which is by me. I want to be democractic, modest, and want to be peaceful . But i find with certain people you have to treat them like this, it's their character.
I can also perceive people's feelings very good, then i realized, there are some people worth you treating them like this, and quite some people who don't. Some just take it as advantage over you. I would think in this way, if i can help people, why not. But to them it's showing weakness, and they see something they can use, out of you.
Like my bf said, I tend to empathize to everyone even talking about pure business, I can understand their worry, and worry for their worry, which in some case is unessisary, but then i tell myself, am i going to be those indifferent ones who just stand by, and does that make me happier?
I can't help sometimes being human, I hate egoismus, and that's wrong. Becauase, egoismus survives individuals.
I would think and like, everything regularly, follows the contract, but the spirit of some people here i find, is to bend the law --bend the rules, as long as they don't break it, they won't stick to rules but still making most for their benefits.
I understand all these, just when i deal with it in reality, I'm really like...this is not good--mercy is something you shouldn't have there...showing kindness sometimes means weakness.
But also I don't understand people, who can show lots of kindness and mercy to some groups(friends), and who can be totally merciless to other group(for e.g. business partners) one part is what they pretended to be? or they are good actors? or they have learned this skills? That doesn't look very intergrated to me. So still figure out.....
I remember though the book i read some time ago, who compared the childhood of a typical boy and girl, when they grow up, the girls' group--venus to say so, always tend to find peace and a solution in their groups, while the boys, mars, is always related to competition and harsh....i think that also related to how one grows up.
Now it's good/or not good, that I'm not the only one who had this situation , which means, you are also not alone